Savannah's Journal

6:45pm: In two and 1/2 weeks i'll be in Amsterdam, then Hamburg (Germany), Cesky Krumlov (Czech republic), Ljubljana (Slovenia), Makarska Riviera (Croatia), Lucern (Switzerland), and Cologne (Germany). After those four weeks, i'll be in Maine and Nova Scotia on a photography expedition for two & 1/2 weeks, then in the patch for a week, then working at GSA for four weeks, then back to the ville with my house and matt and mike and erin.

I only have six test left and six days of classes, everything else is crazy. I have two and three things to do every night, all of them some form of a momentary goodbye.

I've never been so content.

LOVE,
Savannah

5:33pm: i'll sail on your smile i'll ride on your touch i'll talk to your eyes
we are the pretty petty things

conversations in cafeterias about conversations in corners of the earth, crisp soft and whispery wonderful voices introduced by a recently enjoyed. tonight is me and you. skin sheets flow stop start stop moments with a catcher'm mit on my inside's little finger. i'm ready for noone but you and everything but everyone else-let me feel the rapture of passionate voices locked in as catalyst to a spell of perfection

6:04pm: relaxation, passion, nature, photographs
thats my schedule tonight til friday. i could squeeze n exileration, maybe, if tomorrow wasn't enough for the rest of my life.

4:01pm: its cold its cold
its like when youre on your just waiting for everyone else and when youre not they all wait for you, lets meet behind an oak tree

8:44am: i miss amanda, i've got this red sweater and a choppy hair cut and matt picked them both the wool scrathches my shoulders unseductive i miss amanda i miss amanda

12:22pm: 242-0915
to "amanda":
i hope you'll go bowling with me tonight. i want pizza dipped in spegetti sause topped with laughter and knowing eyes that are in love with all and kindred but mostly in love with long haired boys that know where to touch your back and somehow reach your soul. lets hangout.

12:15pm: i have nothing to say anymore. except that this year might finally go by fast-- enough to let me taste summer and kool aid and sleeping in cool white lenin next to you in louisville if only for a couple days. i'm anxious. christmas gifts and my newly found art of keeping the happiness in a lock box. i am over exposed. downtown of euphoric, if i could shoot myself into your skin and smell that musky unidentifiable and never be lost only because i am lost in you, i'm oblivious. you don't even read these. you know what i'm saying. i'm ready to make love not sex just intense and passionate and out of earth. i want to sink into soil just feel, raw, all encompassing blistening- feel.

2:15pm: between all the aides in the school we've got 45 cents which is not ebnough mind you to even breask into the teachers lounge with. i've never been so bored. never enjoyed being so bored. i hate when i write whats real on here. rather see through thick black eyelashes like the vision like fantasy object on this insane mousepad, i feel very young and very impue, an extreme of anything everything not sure what the hell i mean. i keep running lines of gospel in my head like amandas in my element poem or something bukowski or rainer maria rilke or rumi. i wish i had something fresh, a new art or poem oir person to talk about art and poems and music and unoversal truths and lies and everything very deeply but nothing literally, i wonder... i've been discovered

8:16pm: i miss people in a casual way i'm not doubnled over in self pity or self doubt so you know its sincere but i see alot of good in you people and i read your lives and i want to hug kristyn cause i love that were friends now, and talk nice with patrick because regardless of yourmistakes i'm convinced your charlie in perks, and swim through the thicness of passion with amanda like shes the only one that knows that i'm a bad girl dork and i loved rumi and bukowski first thanks to that amazing ms a, i want to be mysterious with jordan because i was the weirdest girl ever on that writing day sitting in the gras hair thrown back shameless, i miss tanya in every way imaginable (poofy faces and impossibly long hair and intelligence and compassion and marvel). i'm missing everone and i'm in love and love passion and am slightly narcicistic about my new hair.

11:47am: i feel
floating over
lukewarm
not enough to matter
right now i wish i could think really about dancing in my driveway with your arms wrapped around me and the words to "Maria" that i can't quite understand in my ear and your breath on my neck, come. save.

11:38am: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGG!!!
shedding rubber for cotton dresses
i'm shedding the skin waxed
on by plastic smiles and
lack of feeling and
half ass passion for
life
a half ass person no more
i'm filling out and filling
up
blooming bigger than the sunflower
these layers of soil can't
weigh me
down
my color is too vibrant
my seeds are too furtile
my stalk is too strong
to stay down
to stay bent
you can't plow enough
weed enough
no chemical will kill me only
enhance
my vibrance
ensure
my message/beauty
infinetly
my seeing eyes are
CLOSED
with large black lettering hanging
on the glowing face of those
reborn
for we never saw through glassy chance or
inch thick depth

my words
my language
open up and suck it in
this is my vision

1:38pm: how many chords till this song vomits out real love?
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW
5 days till i'm home again i wonder will it feel like home? i know one set of arms that will one set of souls taht will. i'm in love with the blood brothers and everything else that is dripping from the oosing pap of life. suck up

5:42pm: spinning wheels (i haven't driven in months)
so much frustration in the journals surrounding mine i'm wearing a very innocent dress. deceptively- i just noticed that it has these thin ruffles of fabric on the bottom and the bust, those are places that no grandma ever sewed ruffles on, i'm finding the reason for that. i'm finding it hard to not sit with my dress thigh length and trust the virtuous world not to react to slivers of silk and a thinning tan line. i miss matt and strong arms and warm skin bare against mine and wet kisses and being wanted without being ashamed or insulted. i think two weeks can't fly fast enough. i think not enough and too much. i'm possesive as a cancerian. i need one on one, i blame people when they forget to call cry over tone of voice i miss your voice dammit. i'm not saying anything in this letter to who? (optional) i had a suprise party today, it was a wonderful feeling, all the cake and chocolate and smiles hugs cards dancing to latin music with latin hips. i had a dream about dancing in our prom attire in your uncles field smiling up at you. i seem as cold as the concrete ar9ound me i'm hotter than i can say but i taste it in my tongue thickening smoldering two weeks can't escape me fast enough.

12:47pm: GSP with paint on my fingers and me without you in my brain i have 10 minutes to get to insanity so i can paint real i have 2 minutes to pour out my soul through the functional blackness of this keyboard and i'm not reaching either. regardless i'm having a great time the people are beautiful up here i just miss the warm smooth surface of a chest to lay down on and strong arms to wrap round you, but the ivy is trying to replace heat, and it can't but it can make for an enlightening expirience. i love you

12:57pm: this was one of the greatest weekends of my life. how lying in your arms changes my life and how i want to cry for lack of explanation only i want you to know you kill me with every breath i'm reborn in your arms. i'm still not off the high aadn when i am i'll be coherent family is truly a blessing. i'm sinking back into old life soon with volleyball but at the same time i kno this summer is my opportunity. sitting in your car staring ayt your eyes modest mouse up high on the song thats not so sad with the water in smelling distance and the empty parking lot i know it will be okay i know whats coming should come i know that i'm living really and what else is there to know? tonya i'll really miss you and thats all i've been thinking about. love you all.

8:38pm: no discretion
i really want to talk to kristyn or amanda or aranda or nathan or tonya or myself even, i want to hang upside down in a tree with my belly exposed with clarissa and taste friendship like strawberry juice and run in mismatched clothes and FEEL FREE and let it run down my thighs in rapids.

8:36pm: just for now
sometimes i feel like you're 20 miles away and you are but i rarely feel like that and regardless of why its still there and i don't know i feel like justifying lnlieness i'm lonely.

11:19am: the way when
you walk
wind and your
hair is kind of stuck
gether to in this
whole
and it looks
fixed
space but its not
exactly the right
space but
still
it seems unmoving
except those little
flutters little
flyaways that
escape
conformity and
run about tea
sing out halos
fraiming my
truth
clear blue

10:47am: for the sake of memory so that noone can forget the grandeor
strobe light banquet
awards in eachothers arms
sexy ciggerete release
dot ot dotting of your arms paint
splatter
precision
wonder in my eyes
heart
melting
yearning
another night slips away
and my mother inviting and to my suprise
a smile in my eyes
filled now
with the after liquid
and up late talking like its all that matters
and don't we know
it is
and waking kiss in the bone structure
along the curve of my jaw
and just holding you step at a
time till you woke
most fulfilling church service because you were
next to me and glad you were
my family bringing you in
smile
tear
plate
hug
at a time
against your chest on your
living room floor just hearing
heartbeat and then teasing myself and the
absolute best experience of what i
question now
could you hate me as much as i do right now?

10:38am: lie to me, tell me i'm strong, tell me you believe
dripping down below me empty sinking i miss smiles in eyes and i miss wide awake and i miss yesterday and its ease and why is today the heaviest weight on my eyes the heaviest weight on this love why do my eyes refuse to see through blurs why can't we just look at eachother and forget about this for just a moment is it really so important is anything so important that we can't look at eachother and forget how can we forget what we're doing all of this for and why we can't stop i can't not look at you without looking at myself and knowig exactly why we aren't smiling and i'm sorry i'm not strong enough to finish what i've started i'm never strong enough to finish looking at you touching you gosh what i felt i know how it changes i begin to understand that nothing is worse than this feeling and i would rather do anything consequence or not if it makes you smile then it makes me smile too and it doesn't matter anymore. i just always think you'll understand diffreently than you can.

1:32pm: magic blurs and grren highway ropes
i'm lounging in left over wonder needing to do my poetry project wasn't so worried now i'm worried but still not working only thinking of you and night and day and all the magic that lies between our touch and our breath on eachother i miss you. four months should've been celebrated by waking in one anothers arms by kissing you as son as i woke by being so happy overwhelmed that i weep as i know i would. still swirling up close to you on a dancefloor crowded with the last bit of high school the last bit of charm i can't stand to think about the future but your mention of it makes me giddy and mid june makes me sick i'm still swirling swirling wake up and kiss me please.

10:24pm: hey is all i'm saying everthang happening its all happening nothing is happening and i won't let this be a bs post and when we say that is when its the most bs i just want to thank god for everything thank my writing class you've inspired me much in the past day or so and i'm trying to gasp it in
keep having slide
show click
click flash
images pop pop
through all of me cut
DEEP
IS THAT WORTH CAPS MORE THAN THE WORD a?
i'm in love with a. a is love in simplicity.
i'm in love with not knowing what i'm talking about. i'm in love with knowing xactly what i'm talking about and not telling. i'll kiss you hard if you come any closer.
watch my eyes watch more than the you you watch

12:05pm: sittin in marketing need food. lately i'm very content lately as in today. i haven't done homework in what must be years and i'm doing doughnuts as to what everyone thinks i am i'm not okay amanda, i'm much more than that.. much more than what you know i know i'm feeling an arrogance above the word a pride like nationalism that starts warts i'm honoring the country of my soul, you should too.

3:44pm: i know its in gods hands now i need to read his palm
well. i made it. i keep wantin to use periods. ......... i'm going. 5 weeks. i need that i guess. and i'm happy. but kinda scared. really scared because i know someone worth knowing worth staying. really scared. .....

12:34am: gosh boston and waking up in all the glory this world has to offer and building a new life from the glimmer in your eyes. thats all i want anymore. and having a world of wonderful conversations with you lately and about the past and feeling complete with you, you make me so happy!